Self hating

All I want to do is cut!! grrr

Here is a poem to help me feel better!

Thoughts circle,
endless and sufforcating,
stabbing and choking,
I want to just go and die,
I want to go jump off of a bridge,
I keep switching,
and I can’t stop,
please God help me

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Spilling a Tea Cup

(2/13/14 3:50 P.M)

The sun froze

so softly,

almost a laugh

from the clouds

couldn’t stop the

chemical reaction,

a romance starts,

sparks a little,

fizzles,

over flows to the brim

spilling over,

such a pretty mess,

smells of cigarettes

and sadness,

but no one could tell

or would care

about a sad,

silly,

day dreaming girl,

who looks for love in all the

wrong places,

love isn’t through sex,

weed,

cocaine,

cutting,

tears,

love is when you feel,

I mean really feel

everything,

and it’s like crashing head first into a

brick wall

that than once you experience

the pain

turns into the softest of clouds,

comforting the tears that fall from your

confused face,

rain with the sun,

love is like dropping a china tea set

but than getting cold rings,

such a bittersweet feeling,

like blood and chocolate,

or that’s what I can find of love,

feel of love,

see of love,

taste of love,

spilling a tea cup of love

all over the page in ink,

I can’t help but wipe the ink from

the corner of my mouth,

the taste of ink…

that is what love is

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This Love is Treacherous

 

“I stayed in a psych ward for a few days because of breakdowns I keep having. I cut a lot and deep. I didn’t have music, facebook, no electronics while I was staying in the hospital…all I had were a pen and pieces of paper to spill ink all over”- Amanda Day

my arm

(Feb 10th, 12:20 P.M)

Lies never tasted so good,

never melted so sweet,

a perfect sunset in the bare eve,

never did the dawn of day yell at me,

don’t close your eyes,

safe and sound,

you’ll be alright,

the dawn of eve sings of sins and truths,

never before did

the Raven look so black,

never did the crow caw so

loud,

so loved,

as a feather falls from the sky,

the petals dance on her lips,

tears fall upon her eyes,

fragile as a glass vase,

this day dream is dangerous,

I love it

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Red

Violent screams,
tears dripping from
your eyes,
emotions claw your
insides,
biting your brain,
consuming the heart,
you want to die,
blood pumping,
pulsing,
you can’t breathe,
curling into a fetal
position you count to 10,
try to distract your
thoughts,
breathe,
exhale,
inhale,
breathe,
taking nothing to heart,
you can’t help but
want to shoot yourself,
want to stop breathing,
everything goes by
so fast,
to fast,
pain can’t stop,
can’t wait,
can’t pause,
always,
always,
breathe….

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Trying to recover from Drugs and Fight these Demons

This is a very intense poem that is true, and it is very sad and painful going through this. I am trying to fight the habit but the monster takes over and I can’t fight what the monster feels and wants, so this is what I am going through dealing with drug abuse and how it feels to be on blow and weed. I hope that no one judges me bad because of what I am going through and the struggles I have to face“- Amanda Day

 

I need some,
I need some of it
you scream at me,
I scream back losing my voice,
screaming to leave me alone,
curling up in my bed I
count my heart beats,
slowly,
praying to God he hears me,
laying alone in my bed I can’t help but
have that impulse,
that crave,
that need to feel better,
so tired and drained,
I take a razor and it kisses my skin,
washing off my wrist I look into my dead eyes,
is this really me,
I look into her black dead eyes and pale skin,
this can’t be me,
I hate her,
she smiles and looks at me,
you are me,
laughing I turn away and go to my room,
trying to fight the urge I just can’t,
the new me looks around to sell my body for some
blow or weed,
it has to be better than this…it just has to
be better than this,
as the lights go out and I pray to be safe and
sound from my monsters,
I try to see the light,
try to drown my demons but it’s no use,
they know how to swim

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Blow and Weed gives me the fix I need

It feels amazing getting took to another land,
far far away in a pipe,
or a sniff of snow,
getting lost in the feeling of
happiness,
but after when the party is over,
feeling of hate and bitterness gets lost in my screams and looks,
feeling the monster grow I go out and sell my body for a fix,
it’s a terrible habit I know,
my baby doesn’t know what I do to shush my demons,
to stop the thoughts,
the endless cries and screams,
getting taken over,
I sniff and take a hit of weed and blow,
nothing like that it calms me down and leaves me wanting more and more,
till I can’t get fixed anymore and I need something to stop the clawing
in my brains at my heart,
it kills you inside,
trying to get out and break free I toss what I had left and just wait out the reactions,
the smart remarks and bitterness that leaks of ink from the corners of my mouth,
all i can think about is my fix,
about feeling better,
harming myself I can’t help but smile because of the monster that is satisfied as the
ralization me sits there crying for help but the monster takes over and hushes the little
girl and me and makes me do adult decisions,
adult mistakes,
the monster rawrs and I want,
need more,
and more,
until I float on a cloud far away,
no way to return the old me

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What I’m capable scares me

It doesn’t scare me,
but the thoughts that leak out and consume my mind,
scars my mind,
kills my mind scares me,
being out of control,
pulling my hair,
punching the walls,
all the emotions that takes over scares me,
no that doesn’t scare me,
what I am capable…that is what scares me,
what I could do,
everything that is seething benieth my skin scares me,
waiting for some prey to walk by,
to look at me could cause me a mental break down,
breaking till there is nothing left but numbness,
painless thoughts play and enter,
I am prepared seems everyone will be fine,
one day,
today,
everything is going to be fine for me,
just not today,
not today

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