Been It’s a While Since Everything Felt This Right

So I met this guy online. His name is Ron and I am so giddy and like a school girl. We met once before the date that happened today. I got into a huge fight with my mom and her gf. I couldn’t handle the pain so I cut myself…if the razor was not so dull I would’t have been dead. I cut myself 26 times up my arms and across over and over crying…but I was still alive.
Anyways that night he picked me up and we went to a hotel. I was over emotional and stuff and I felt so wrong about sleeping at a hotel with him. His eyes were so intense and he came off to strong and I didn’t want to have sex…but I did. I did’t like him. In fact he spent 48 dollars on a room and I had him pay then drive me home a few hours later after I was freaking out.
So today he took me to the movies, we saw Taken 3. It was so amazing and I felt so connected with him. Like something in me switched and I knew that I was over, that I was his. After the movie we drove around looking for a spot to park so we could have sex. Usually the sex I had in cars was numbing, emotionless, no fire, and that’s how I though that this was how it was going to be…but no.
No, the sex was amazing. Full of passion and wanting….so emotional that I could feel happiness sink in my veins.
After we had sex we were just kissing and making out. So amazing!! He dropped me off and I cant stop thinking about it!!!!!!!!

Toxic People Hardly Ever Start Out Toxic

Color me purple and watch me drown
in my own abyss,
Do you remember this?
Do you remember me?
Remember us and the lies we believed,
sober talk to me as we sit in silence,
As we drank in the intoxication of chaos And passion,
Scorched in so much highs,
Can you remember the feel of my skin?
Or the pulse in us that made our hearts skipped in beats,
night after night,
moan after moan,
breath after pleasure,
pleasure in pain,
love and madness,
bodies screaming,
do you remember me?
Do you remember the careless whispers of
sweet nothings as our pillow talk,
petals falling on fire bursting into
flames like the stars after they die,
but love grew cold and grey and our
hearts weren’t in sync we changed,
maybe when the time is right and we are older,
you will remember me and come back

Mother Issues

My mom makes me want to cut myself. Like when she gets all in a frenzy and she freaks out she parks my anxiety and all I want to do is hurt myself. I can feel my body turn cold and all I want to do is scream at her…and do some violence to her!

She cries when she gets upset and what am I supposed to feel bad because she is upset? No.

Then I become the villain and she is the victim.

I hope I grow up to be nothing like my mother….nothing…

Life with having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

I feel like my disorder’s got the best of me. I don’t feel like how I used too.
I loved to cuddle and to hold hands…I loved affections but now it’s been tarnished for me. I only want to cuddle or ¬†affectionate when I’m high.

I wonder now, what changed a sweet, naive, kind person into a wounded, cold bitch?

Sex. Strangers. Drugs. College. Dating.

My first time was to a complete stranger, I was 18.
Now, I am 20.
I sleep with strangers to feel loved, and honestly that didn’t ruin me…relationships did.

I’m Not Going To Lie (very Personal)

I’m not going to lie and say I don’t miss you,
I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t think about the good times,
the bad times,
the mistakes I made,
the mistakes you made
or what drove us apart,
I’m not going to say I don’t cry myself to sleep
or that I feel incomplete without you,
I’m not going to lie and say that I wouldn’t want a second chance to meet you,
you were just a mistake
and so was I,
you were just a flaw but
a flaw I loved nevertheless,
you were my everything but
gave me nothing,
we were never meant to be,
I’m not going to lie and say that when I try to close my eyes I can’t sleep,
I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t wished to be by you,
I’m not going to lie and say that I miss you,
I’m not going to lie,
we were a bad mix,
I was the gasoline and you were the match,
setting our worlds on fire,
maybe it was never meant to be.
all the drama and tears
I still don’t regret a single day with you,
because at that time you were just what I needed

Just want to feel love

Even if its not real love
I still Want to fuck,
I still want to feel that closeness,
That physical connection,
To make guys cum I feel
powerful,
Special,
Sexy,
That a girl like me can please
a man,
Giving it out for nothing but
cheep thrills and careless whispers filled with nothing,
The instant connection is intoxicating,
Is exciting,
Just for a night,
Ill pretend I’m yours for the night,
Pretend that you  actually care ,
A way to cope I fuck strangers
and addicted to the pain of,
Emptyness ,
Smelling of saddness and drugs, flashbacks of one night stands ,
Not enough to drown my demons
they know how to swim

Loving an Aquarius Man

Loving an Aquarius man
is no easy task,
You must abide by there rules
so you do not sound “rude” or
disrespectful because you don’t
act how they want You too,
you are always wrong
and you have to be a freak in
bed,
forget about your pride
and your self worth,
they are spiteful,
sarcastic and cold,
Emotion is not in their vocabulary
and you have to understand,
They will make,
Break,
Mold,
Save,
And destroy you,
You must be ready for there whip
lashes and storms that follow,
For being a leo,
I can’t seem to stay away

Breaking down

Breaking,
Taking,
Relationships are a give
and take,
The one who breaks you
down is the one who builds you
back up,
The one who tears you apart
is the one who stitches you back
together,
and you are left there walking on egg shells,
wondering what to not say,
Wondering what to say,
pick the right words so I don’t
upset you,
Suffering,
Trying to not feel,
Trying to not think,
Wishing to feel death,
Anthing but this

Closet full of cob webs

Split between what’s wrong
and what’s right,
cut down the middle of conscious
and subconscious,
love and life never hurt so much,
sin and death never tasted so sweet,
drinking bleach to clean my soul,
you have to look past the imperfections to keep loving someone,
even if their past has some stains,
some cracks,
Some horrible secret but it’s okay,
because I have My own secrets,
One must not judge if love is involved,
because drinking the position isn’t
so bad,
if it keeps you sane,
turn your cheek and your eyes,
blind eyes for love