So I met this guy online. His name is Ron and I am so giddy and like a school girl. We met once before the date that happened today. I got into a huge fight with my mom and her gf. I couldn’t handle the pain so I cut myself…if the razor was not so dull I would’t have been dead. I cut myself 26 times up my arms and across over and over crying…but I was still alive.
Anyways that night he picked me up and we went to a hotel. I was over emotional and stuff and I felt so wrong about sleeping at a hotel with him. His eyes were so intense and he came off to strong and I didn’t want to have sex…but I did. I did’t like him. In fact he spent 48 dollars on a room and I had him pay then drive me home a few hours later after I was freaking out.
So today he took me to the movies, we saw Taken 3. It was so amazing and I felt so connected with him. Like something in me switched and I knew that I was over, that I was his. After the movie we drove around looking for a spot to park so we could have sex. Usually the sex I had in cars was numbing, emotionless, no fire, and that’s how I though that this was how it was going to be…but no.
No, the sex was amazing. Full of passion and wanting….so emotional that I could feel happiness sink in my veins.
After we had sex we were just kissing and making out. So amazing!! He dropped me off and I cant stop thinking about it!!!!!!!!
Color me purple and watch me drown
in my own abyss,
Do you remember this?
Do you remember me?
Remember us and the lies we believed,
sober talk to me as we sit in silence,
As we drank in the intoxication of chaos And passion,
Scorched in so much highs,
Can you remember the feel of my skin?
Or the pulse in us that made our hearts skipped in beats,
night after night,
moan after moan,
breath after pleasure,
pleasure in pain,
love and madness,
do you remember me?
Do you remember the careless whispers of
sweet nothings as our pillow talk,
petals falling on fire bursting into
flames like the stars after they die,
but love grew cold and grey and our
hearts weren’t in sync we changed,
maybe when the time is right and we are older,
you will remember me and come back
All my emotions are taking over and the evil thoughts and irritability won’t leave me. I don’t know if its due to me sleeping in late that my disorders are out of wack or if today is just the day that I can’t seem to help calm myself down.
I’m so angry I could literally stab someone. I feel bad because today my mouth is loose and anything I say that I normally would filter came out. I couldn’t bite my tongue.
I’m so so angry and upset today…I just really need someone to talk with, someone that I can tell whats going on in my head too. That will be tricky though, to try to explain whats going on in my head when I can’t even understand my own thoughts.
I can feel the none angry part in me try to stop myself from the awful thoughts and words i may think or say. I can stop being that way for a few minuets but all the sudden the really angry, irritable part of me seeps back into my veins, takes over my skin and I am the angry one.
Once the rational me fights back the anger I am left with guilt an sadness…the feeling of wanting to cut or stop breathing. Just wanting to stop feeling.
I am trying to pray, trying to ask for God to help me through these awful feelings.
I just want to feel normal or happy today.
But living with borderline, it’s hard to feel happy or normal for a whole day.
Only the crows
can recall all my secret
regrets and secrets so disturbing that
the thought of them are
caked with guilt that you can never
clean the wound and heal the broken feelings,
maybe if we were different
and our situation was better we
would be a perfect match,
but at times I think we are not,
I am manipulative and cold,
and you are this golden boy
with a heart filled with love
that the site of love sick people actualy makes its sad,
the puppy dog look that makes me
freak out and end us,
I don’t deserve someone like you,
eyes filled with the promises of
you put your heart and soul into
so much so that
I am surprised you haven’t
ended us yet,
if you did I couldnt,
wouldnt blame you
or resent you,
I would have to understand because
all the bullshit I put you through
and you take,
makes me question how someone
with such passion can end up with someone like me,
the kind of love I see in your eyes
are erased and washed away from mine from
experiencing the sorrows that
has washed away my aspiration
and dulled my shine,
the true love that is only felt with someone
someone life changing,
the I would die for your eyes
and the bedroom eyes,
the kind of love that even after months the
feeling of kissing them still scorches and turns your soul
and makes you question your thoughts,
calms the storms inside the human soul,
the brand of love that only a Scorpio can
give a Leo,
but as the great movie as said,
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
I feel like my disorder’s got the best of me. I don’t feel like how I used too.
I loved to cuddle and to hold hands…I loved affections but now it’s been tarnished for me. I only want to cuddle or affectionate when I’m high.
I wonder now, what changed a sweet, naive, kind person into a wounded, cold bitch?
Sex. Strangers. Drugs. College. Dating.
My first time was to a complete stranger, I was 18.
Now, I am 20.
I sleep with strangers to feel loved, and honestly that didn’t ruin me…relationships did.
I’m not going to lie and say I don’t miss you,
I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t think about the good times,
the bad times,
the mistakes I made,
the mistakes you made
or what drove us apart,
I’m not going to say I don’t cry myself to sleep
or that I feel incomplete without you,
I’m not going to lie and say that I wouldn’t want a second chance to meet you,
you were just a mistake
and so was I,
you were just a flaw but
a flaw I loved nevertheless,
you were my everything but
gave me nothing,
we were never meant to be,
I’m not going to lie and say that when I try to close my eyes I can’t sleep,
I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t wished to be by you,
I’m not going to lie and say that I miss you,
I’m not going to lie,
we were a bad mix,
I was the gasoline and you were the match,
setting our worlds on fire,
maybe it was never meant to be.
all the drama and tears
I still don’t regret a single day with you,
because at that time you were just what I needed
Even if its not real love
I still Want to fuck,
I still want to feel that closeness,
That physical connection,
To make guys cum I feel
That a girl like me can please
Giving it out for nothing but
cheep thrills and careless whispers filled with nothing,
The instant connection is intoxicating,
Just for a night,
Ill pretend I’m yours for the night,
Pretend that you actually care ,
A way to cope I fuck strangers
and addicted to the pain of,
Smelling of saddness and drugs, flashbacks of one night stands ,
Not enough to drown my demons
they know how to swim
Loving an Aquarius man
is no easy task,
You must abide by there rules
so you do not sound “rude” or
disrespectful because you don’t
act how they want You too,
you are always wrong
and you have to be a freak in
forget about your pride
and your self worth,
they are spiteful,
sarcastic and cold,
Emotion is not in their vocabulary
and you have to understand,
They will make,
And destroy you,
You must be ready for there whip
lashes and storms that follow,
For being a leo,
I can’t seem to stay away
Relationships are a give
The one who breaks you
down is the one who builds you
The one who tears you apart
is the one who stitches you back
and you are left there walking on egg shells,
wondering what to not say,
Wondering what to say,
pick the right words so I don’t
Trying to not feel,
Trying to not think,
Wishing to feel death,
Anthing but this